Sitting with Uncertainty
Last night, following the closing arguments in Derek Chauvin’s trial for the death of George Floyd, the speculation flowed as to what this jury might do, how long they would deliberate, and what that all would mean…
I’ve spent hours waiting on juries in my 20 years as a lawyer, staring at a locked door. In college I recall waiting for the O.J. Simpson verdict. As a high school student, I recall the aftermath when the jury acquitted officers in the videorecorded beating of Rodney King.
Most jury verdicts do not carry the worldwide weight of this verdict. And so people invested in the verdict, throughout the country, must wait.
How we wait is the overriding question. Talking heads, no doubt, filling the bandwidths with whatever tidbits are offered from experienced lawyers. Worry, prayer, anger, anxiety, these are all options, too.
As a trial lawyer, my experience has been varied. Normally, this time is spent in my head second guessing every decision made, action taken, or choice to not do something that could have been done, i.e. beating myself up. In some cases, I compile a list, a history of the case for the appellate lawyer to have access to, just in case, while all of it is fresh on my mind.
Why? Uncertainty. While I grew up in the age of “Go to library and look it up,” we live in the age of “google it” from that device in your hand. The concept that a decision requires time and consideration runs counter to every fiber of our modern existence.
What benefit do we obtain from worrying about this verdict while the jury deliberates? How can we sit with the tragedy and grieve the lost life without making ourselves stir crazy while waiting for the unknown and unpredictable? Can we ponder the evidence presented without clinging to an outcome? What if we sat with the idea that the problems are bigger than these two men (and the others whose names aren’t listed in the indictment)? Can we sit with the uncertainty until we recognize the suffering in this moment and the next?
Could we recognize that the fast paced, quick answer imaginary world we’ve constructed distracts us from our natural and necessary suffering? When we recognize that the uncertainty of this outcome really reflects the uncertainty of all of life, we can learn the lesson offered in this moment: the suffering of uncertainty need not be the end of our experience rather it is the next step along the path. In lieu of avoiding necessary suffering, when we experience that suffering, we can pass through it. Once we pass from blame and scapegoating which blocks our progress, we learn that the suffering is not who we are.
Suffering is a facet of this life experience. Sitting with the suffering, letting go of our ideas of the cause, the source, the initiator of the suffering brings us to a place of acceptance. At that point, we can discern what steps should be taken to remedy the community problem that is reflected in the original uncertainty and suffering experienced, if there is an issue broader than the personal ego.
© Nancee Tomlinson 2021
